Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Six months

I guess I am adapting somewhat, to my hideously shrunken universe.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that I didn’t believe I could go on living without Paul. I had joyfully and passionately made a lifetime commitment to him, and I didn’t make any move in the present without considering our future together. I didn’t have any concept of a future where he was not here.

But it seems like I have to acknowledge that I have actually gone on living without Paul, for six months. I still don’t know why or how. The will to survive persists. Even more baffling is how I have not only lived, but had successes, somehow. I’m not sure I am really even doing it. It seems to happen without my direct participation, at a distance.

I am deeply grateful to my family and friends for understanding how devastated I was and still am, and for giving me so much love and support.

I’m being made to understand that I am never going to “get over” what’s happened. And given the severity of it, I feel that’s appropriate. The best I can hope for is to get used to it. I don’t understand how I will do that, either, but what choice do I have?

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