Sunday, June 04, 2006

X-Men 3: Your one-stop shop for female degradation

About a half a dozen people, including me, celebrated Matt Davignon's birthday by going to see X-Men 3 on Friday night. It was a great hang but a sucky movie. I was deeply disappointed because I love the X-Men and I thought the first two movies were kinda fun. But not this one. It just left me depressed and offended. Inasmuch as comic books and comic book movies create modern mythology, you can never tell how big an impact it will have. If it's reflecting the current American view of women, I feel like I should be scared.

Go no further if you don't want to be spoiled.

1. We're informed that the most powerful mutant ever seen on Earth is Jean Grey. Her powers go way beyond anybody else's in the film. But of course, she can't control them. So she can't be allowed to have them. If she is allowed to have them, she will kill everyone. So Professor Xavier (a man -- kindly and idealistic and naive, but a man nonetheless) must set up barriers in her mind to keep her from having those powers, thereby dividing "Jean" from "Phoenix" so she won't kill everyone. When these barriers give way she does indeed start killing everyone -- her lover Cyclops, and Professor Xavier himself. She tries to kill her other aspiring lover Wolverine, and only because he heals so fast, does he escape having the flesh flayed from his bones. He gets up close to her and she begs him to "save" her from the phenomenal power she wields. So tragically he's gotta stab her to death with his claws.

Moral: If powerful women are not taken down, they will kill off a bunch of powerful men. This is inevitable because women are incompetent to control their awesome power. So powerful women must be taken down for the good of Planet Earth.

2. Rogue, who has the power to suck the life force out of regular people and powers out of other mutants, is bummed because she cannot touch anyone. This includes her fella, Iceman. She happens to catch sight of Iceman making an impromptu skating rink out of the school fountain for fellow X-Woman Kitty Pryde so she can skate around with him on it. Instead of sucking the life out of Kitty Pryde and/or Iceman, Rogue decides to take the Mutant Cure so she can hold Iceman's hand.

Moral: Men prefer women with no powers. If you've got inconvenient powers, and you're female, you'd better get rid of them, or your guy will leave you. And no amount of power is worth it if you don't have a MAN!

3. Mystique, a badass mutant shapeshifter, is very scary-looking in her natural form, with deep blue skin. She is also relentlessly murderous and forceful. While being liberated from the clutches of the government, she gets hit with the Mutant Cure. Blue skin and powers disappear to reveal a naked, helpless supermodel. Magneto and his lackeys summarily turn their backs on her and stalk away leaving her there.

Moral: Underneath every powerful woman is a naked, helpless supermodel. Nothing she does, nothing she knows, and nothing she's been through means anything once she has outlived her usefulness to the patriarchy.

The above three points are just what I remember off the top of my head. I remember these things even though they succeeded in distracting me with Professor Xavier, Magneto, Wolverine, and other assorted male eye candy.

I won't even go into how divergent this version is events is, compared to the REAL X-Men canon. I just hope y'all won't spend your hard-earned money on it, unless you wanna donate towards a backlash against the women in your lives.

No comments: